Well today was one of the worst days of my life. Not in terms of stress and all that jazz. It was manageable but something i wish i didn't have to do. One of my best friends from way back in grade 6 decided it was time to go. Today was the funeral. I feel like an ass. I hugged his brother and lost it. I couldn't breathe i was crying so hard. I wish i could have said something to him rather than just i'm sorry. I hope he wasn't annoyed with me for being so emotional. I'm there for him and i should have been more composed. We were best friends and i feel angry. Not at him but at eveyone who chose to ignore it. I wanted to scream at the ppl in the front row who shut me out and acted as though they had known him for years. Yes we are all sad, but the pain is not individualized, it's all of ours to bear. Rather than excluding me and pretending i had never known him, someone could have recognized that we all knew him and we all deserve to have a place. Oddly enough, when i first became excluded, the only one to still include me was the one we were mourning. And so now i feel out of place, unwelcome. My only link is gone, i am officially an outsider. An added misfortune...my exclusion came when my high school sweetheart decided to cheat on me and his mistress replaced me. She was there, with him. I was there alone. I was left to sit with her and try to make nice knowing perfectly well she was the reason i was outcast. Where was my boyfriend you ask? Well he figured he wouldn't be able to get out of work for an hour. Not that he even asked, he just assumed. Funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living and i could have used a warm body beside me. Even if he had asked and had been declined, he would have at least tried. What makes me most languished is the fact that i still call. I still smile and give hugs and i still express care and concern. I still hold dear and i still say i love you, but in the end, when the pain has subsided, i will go back to being outside. I'll go back to being ignored. They smile back now and they say thanks for being here, but next week it will all just be a memory for me. Another moment when i was cast into their lives hoping they would see the genuine friend in me and make me feel like i belong again, but i know it's just the irish in me. The part that still thinks fairy tales come true. So i leave today with the loss of not just one very dear to me, but a whole crew of people and memories that used to be as close as family. I'll never understand what makes one person so kind and so many not so, and then to have the kind one feel desolute and lost. Why does the kind one feel it's over? I'll never understand and so i shouldn't try. he was the kindest person to me and i have never felt that amount of acceptance from anyone before. | 